193: "How Permission Culture Keeps Us Small Without Us Noticing" ft. Alli Murphy

Alli and Erik unpack how so many of us wait for external permission to want things, and how that shows up in both big goals and everyday boundaries. They explore why permission-seeking feels safer, why it can be conditioned into us, and how “permission slips” can be a practical way to reclaim ownership over wants and even needs.

🧭 Conversation Highlights

• Erik describes noticing in himself and clients that “external permission” often becomes a gate to pursuing what people actually want.
• Alli shares how permission-seeking can be especially reinforced for women, including being taught to not be loud, not be “too much,” or not want visibility and importance.
• They discuss how early schooling and structured environments train people to request approval, which then carries into work and personal life.
• Alli offers concrete tools: writing literal permission slips, using small systems that create distance from guilt (like off-duty boundaries), and prompting teams to write their own permission slips.

💡 Key Takeaways

• Wanting something is not automatically selfish. The challenge is aligning wants with ethics and impact, not suppressing them.
• Permission-seeking can feel easier than self-trust, even when it blocks growth and clarity.
• You can build internal permission through tangible rituals (writing, visible reminders, and boundary systems) rather than relying on motivation.
• Teams can benefit from a shared exercise that makes “what I need or want permission for” explicit and normalized.

❓ Questions That Mattered

• Do I actually want something, or am I asking for permission because it feels safer than taking up space?
• Where in my life have I confused “need” and “want,” or used guilt as the substitute for clarity?
• What boundary or opportunity am I avoiding because I think someone else would not approve?
• If I had to write a permission slip right now, what would I grant myself?

🗣️ Notable Quotes

• “I want what I want because I want it.”
• “We don’t need anybody else’s permission for a lot of this.”
• “Literally written myself permission slips before.”
• “In your next team meeting write down one thing they need permission for.”

🔗 Links & Resources

• Listen To Other Episodes Co-Hosted With Alli